I wasn't planning on writing up another post for a while, at least a few more days anyway. But then some genuinely significant dates have come up and it's giving me way too much to think about. So here I am again writing them down.

And just before I begin my thoughts for today, I want to thank all of you for your words of care and support for me, my kids, and all of Sara’s family. It’s obviously a rough period and will be for some time to come, but your expressions of encouragement are very helpful, and I appreciate the unique opportunity I have to continue to share my grief experience with you.

All Saints’ Day

Today was Sara's birthday. She would have been 39 years old today. She would have gone with me to Red Lobster for her birthday dinner tonight where she would have had crab legs, and probably a baked potato. She would have wished that she could eat the cheddar biscuits, which she couldn't because they have gluten in them and she had celiac disease. And she would have wished she could eat a house salad with ranch, which she could not eat due to her low anterior resection syndrome, which is a series of debilitating symptoms that came as side effects from her original cancer treatment and surgery. She would have wanted her whole family to be there, but also wouldn't want to make a big deal out of it.

I know these things with high confidence because I knew my wife and, well, we had probably discussed such things many times. To be so attached to one another as we were, we could make similar such statements like this about a wide array of things and was a true testament to our relationship. But how well I know, or knew Sara suddenly feels increasingly at risk of damage or erosion, which apparently is all part of the grieving grand plan?

The thick shroud of broken-heart amnesia

This tiny photo taken likely on the first phone that had a camera

I've continued spending extensive time looking at photos, listening to music, or watching videos and thinking about memorable events from our life together and I'm kind of stuck in a repeating cycle. It’s challenging to properly convey what I am experiencing, but here goes.

That time we joined the WWF (meaning before it became the WWE)

Last time I talked about grieving many versions of her. Still doing that - and I'm even finding if I spend too much time thinking about previous key periods in our relationship that I get true butterflies in my gut, and I feel my heart race. Like memories of Sara and I being together in the first place (I had a mad crush on her long before we were dating), or of events like us getting married, or later having children, or going on family vacations. These times were all truly exciting, and I'm feeling deeply and viscerally emotional when I think about them. And that makes it feel real. Like I'm transported.

Yesterday was Halloween, and was particularly challenging. 10/31 holds many significant memories, including a memory of 18 years ago back in college, when she attended a Halloween party at my house, and when she turned 21 at midnight, we went to the bar for a drink. It wasn't a magical romantic memory exactly, as we didn't start dating for over a year from then. But I won't lie, like I mentioned, I kind of already had a thing for her then too. So yesterday I was overly fixated on that particular day, but also I thought heavily on the many Halloweens since and all of the special memories we’ve had with our kids.

What makes me a little nervous about entertaining this practice is when I spend too much time ruminating in memories of a certain period, it's almost like I get a brief mild amnesia about the years events that have followed. And I don't really mean this figuratively. I start feeling so transported by these memories and feelings, that things that have happened more recently actually feel harder to recall, at least momentarily. Or at least in a foggy sense.

As I have been looking through old boxes I have even found myself becoming fixated on who she was and things she did when she was in late high school and early college. I didn't really know her properly at these points, so doing this is simply futile. And yet my wish that I might have known her more then, combined with my vivid imagination about her in this period has been strong enough that this sort of amnesia thing comes roaring back again, and for a few moments I am losing track of who she was throughout our whole relationship and marriage.

OK ouch. This feels truly shitty, and shocks me into a state of panic and high anxiety.

Why have I been thinking like this?

I wonder if it is an attempt by my brain to transport me back to these times before, to protect me or give me a reprieve from the reality of the present. I mean, the current reality is pretty damned unacceptable. Deny it and negotiate with God and reality to bring me back to happier times. That will solve it, right?

I also believe my brain is focusing on events prior to 2016, as a way of staying away from the cancer diagnosis - and keeping focus on the memories where that worry just wasn’t a part of our lives. It wants me to forget that stuff, at least for a while and just go back and think about those intoxicatingly good times. It feels nice. But then it doesn’t.

So all of that stuff, is just a lot, and it heightens my worry about the "forget who she was" fear that I mentioned last week. But here's the rub - that's exactly the fear that drives me to think about the memories, look at the photos, watch the videos and look at the old junk - creating a vicious cycle.

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Significant and Extraordinary Events

Last time I mentioned a few signs that I have experienced and was too bashful to share. I hope Sara wouldn't mind, and in the spirit of continued vulnerability, I will talk more about a few of them today.

Live for Today

Two signs have fit this sentiment. As I mentioned, over a week ago, I was having a particularly hard day and was pleading Sara for a sign that she was there, that she was ok, and that I am on the right track.

Well minutes later I am driving in West Fargo on Sheyenne already going probably 10mph over the speed limit when a car comes zooming past me. Sheesh, probably going even 15 mph faster, they pull in front of me rather aggressively, then gently slow down. Not a lot of traffic around, so I am kind of confused and pissed off. "Hey, I'm having a tough day here you jerk, what the hell are you doing!?"

Then I see their license plate LV42DAY. "Yeah, good for you, you go and live for today." Then they gently turn and drive away, and it hits me. OK Shakie, I guess I get the picture.

Now certainly, there is a person in town with that actual license plate. It would be funny if it was somebody reading this blog. But I do wonder how it all worked out just like that, only minutes after I had pleaded for a sign. And why did they need to drive like it was so important that I see the back of their car? Maybe that's just how they always drive so they can constantly remind people to wake up and to live in the present?

I challenge you to all out life

Sara wasn’t exactly a Slipknot fan, but would have been aware of and heard the song *All Out Life* on occasion in the past.

The next day I am having a drive with Cal over to the funeral home to pickup additional thank you cards. On the way there I'm actually kind of panicking and just really not loving the idea of never seeing Sara again. Suddenly in my head pops a song I hadn't listened to in nearly a year. And it will sound kind of funny... It was Slipknot's All Out Life.

Now bear with me here. This was odd in multiple ways. For one, my mind doesn't tend to just start thinking about metal songs out of the blue, regardless how much a fan I am. Or at least it seems like I would need to have recently listened to it.

The significance of this didn't really hit me though until I got in the car again and thought more about some of the lyrics in this song.

Apologies for the language, but I think it helps drive home the point – and yes I did in fact skip out on a number of lyrics that aren’t quite so motivational:

All Out Life
…
No excuses, I challenge you to all out fucking life
Drop that shit and put it on a pedestal
…
Raise your hands and show me what's impossible
That makes us even, never tell me the odds
…
Do you think when you act or just act like you're thinking?
…
I challenge you to all out life
…
No excuses, I challenge you to all out fucking life
All out life
I challenge you to all out fucking life, yeah
Live, live, live, life

Again, totally not a guaranteed sign per se, maybe some neuron from an earlier memory was triggered when I had a thought about Sara not coming back. But especially combined with the previous day's event, what exactly am I looking for in a sign? Do I need to directly experience a visit?

You Know I Love You

My favorite sign so far was a beautiful confirmation of what I really do already know. That Sara loved me. So my grief brain was thinking, “did she ever express such feelings to me in our texts, emails, or old IMs?” Well, the answer to those things is indeed ‘yes’, yet that hasn't stopped me from continuing to panic and insist on further searching for other primary sources.

On Friday night I was in the basement, rummaging through our old boxes of stuff looking for any photos or memorable items I can find. After looking for over two hours I was getting pretty tired and was just about to call it a day.

I said to myself, “OK just one more box.” Inside this last box was a smaller plastic Tupperware-like container that appeared to have a scattered sample of the kids’ old school projects, artwork, and the like. I didn't really think this looked super promising for finding any Sara related mementos, and I was feeling worn out - so I just kind of opened it and quick skimmed. “Nope, nothing there sadly, moving on.”

So, I am just putting the lid back on and it won't really go back on. I keep trying and the lid just breaks completely. “Oh wow… OK... I guess I will take a closer look then.”

After digging in and taking out each item, one by one, I then find two anniversary cards from Sara. The text on these cards melts my heart into a puddle on the floor completely and reminds me that she did indeed love me as I loved her.

Suddenly I felt a wave of cold and mildly electric sensations embracing me. I bawled and tried to embrace the sensations back, but of course I don't really know how to do that. So, I then passionately thanked her for giving me that moment which gave me such comfort, even if it was just for one minute.

I still don’t really know why I needed this validation. But I’m so blown away by the experience. It’s giving me a lot of peace.