My Grief Observed - 8: Thy Will Be Done
Stop this reckless parallelism, dude
What is reckless parallelism? In the dream at least I was too afraid to ask…
I didn’t really know what Reckless Parallelism meant – but apparently my subconscious was attempting to tell me something recently. I was startlingly awoken one morning from a dream as though it was an important phrase. Something I needed to pay attention to. The statement in the dream was “Stop this reckless parallelism dude”. And the phrase was then instantly repeating in my mind when I woke up. Crap, I thought to myself, this must be meaningful, right? What is parallelism again? And what would it mean for it to be reckless?
Is it Sara trying to tell me something? Is reckless parallelism maybe suggesting like I find too many connections or signs related to Sara where they aren’t actually connected? Or is there something about my grieving process that is actually kind of reckless? I had to know - so there around 5:00 AM - which is pretty normal waking time for me - I researched and reminded myself what parallelism meant, and there are a number of definitions. Here are a few:
Parallelism—the repetition of grammatical elements—is key in good writing and effective public speaking. Parallelism impacts both the grammar of sentences as well as the larger presentation of ideas. (from https://www.masterclass.com/articles/writing-101-what-is-parallelism) Sometimes, it involves repeating the exact same words, such as in the common phrases “easy come, easy go” and “veni, vidi, vici” (“I came, I saw, I conquered”). Other times, it involves echoing the pattern of construction, meter, or meaning.
Parallelism, in rhetoric, component of literary style in both prose and poetry, in which coordinate ideas are arranged in phrases, sentences, and paragraphs that balance one element with another of equal importance and similar wording. The repetition of sounds, meanings, and structures serves to order, emphasize, and point out relations. (https://www.britannica.com/art/parallelism-literature-and-rhetoric)
The use of parallel processing in computer systems
"massive parallelism gives neural networks a high degree of fault tolerance"
Well…hmm. All that considered, I am actually more or less at a loss at how this connects. I think I do a little bit of parallelism in my writing, sometimes probably successfully, and sometimes probably unsuccessfully. But I don’t think I would say that it is a reckless usage of it. And I definitely don’t have massive parallelism going on in a neural computing network. Haha, at least I don’t think I do?
I wonder what my brain was trying to say? Dreams can certainly be useless as a guide to reality. Sometimes we try to attach meaning to things that don’t really warrant it. How many premonitions turn out false, or dreams that we think are telling ourselves about the future end up just being malarkey?
I have had some premonitions that I might tell you more about in the future - that were actually a smashing success in terms of my premonition coming true. Big, massive pieces of my life that were honestly my dreams coming true. But were those dreams coming true, only because it was destiny, and my premonition was a view into my destiny? Or did the actions I took, the exertion of my own free will help in achieving any of those dreams? I don’t know the answer. Something to keep pondering.
But seriously - stay tuned on this premonition thing. I have a story to tell you soon.
Life isn’t fair. Maybe we can leverage the space-time continuum?
I joked with Callum yesterday that maybe he needs to make it his life goal to figure out how to bend space-time so we can go back in the past and save his mother. To warn her earlier on to go and get a colonoscopy. It sounds well and good, other than the fact that even if such a thing were possible - what are the implications of such actions? Would multiple new realities be formed? Would the Sara we lost return to us, or would we simply be creating a new version of this dimension, and it wouldn’t be my dear wife? And would we even get to experience the fruits of such actions? Guys, this stuff is way beyond what we can comprehend.
If not any sooner, this would be a perfectly suitable day in 2015 shortly after Cam was born to go back and tell Sara that she needs to go get a colonoscopy.
It was clearly a conversation rooted in minds that were at least briefly living in the negotiation phase of grief. Although it is interesting to ponder, and maybe even more interesting to think about as an example of what crazy things our minds will try to come up with as solutions when we’re deeply grieving.
And what we would be giving up in that negotiation is too much. Cal is wise enough to know that even if we both, and maybe Brit and Cam too all committed ourselves to such a huge discovery for the rest of our lives and had an army of scientists helping – yes, we’d be considered pioneers in a new scientific breakthrough - but we wouldn’t get there. Even if we made history and achieved all of this amazing scientific discovery- in the end we wouldn’t personally get to go and see Sara, and save her from this reality.
No, our discovery wouldn’t result in the actual objective being achieved. And beyond this one, all of our other wild fascinations about how it could work for us to go back and warn her about rectal cancer are all wrapped in some kind of similarly impossible fantasy. It’s just not possible. It’s not fair either, but no, not possible.
Is it Fate?
Does this mean it was fate all along that she would face this outcome? Well, I don’t think the concepts of intervening with time travel and our normal understanding of fates intertwine that much – but thinking about whether or not all of this crap that Sara has gone through was truly her fate… It’s hard to stomach such a thing, and depending on if you believe in destiny, or free will, or something in between – why would this be her destined end? We all tend to think of the good and romantic things in life as fate or destiny. It’s a lot harder to contemplate negative experiences as fate, or as God’s will. It’s a notoriously hard thing for all of us to stomach - that God would destine any of us to cruel or painful existences.
Sara and I contemplated such things fairly regularly though over the years - usually between the hours of 12:00 AM and 3:00 AM. Seemingly it was always on those nights when we couldn’t sleep. But it was one of the many things I loved about our relationship. We could discuss mundane everyday things with ease, but in the same breath we could discuss the implications of free will vs. destiny, or the origins of the universe, how biology and evolution work, and how God is involved throughout all of it. Usually we’d conclude in such conversations that it’s impossible for us to make assertions about things that we know nothing about. Like how God is involved throughout. We’re not God. How could we understand? How bold of us try and yet how cocky it is for some of us to believe that we do truly understand everything about God and the universe.
But then of course Sara and I would still wonder – with everything she was going through – was this her purpose in life? Was this really God’s will? Why was she supposed to face these adversities? How could God want this for her? And did our own actions years ago play a part in this grand plan for her life, or was this mapped out for her from the beginning?
We couldn’t answer those questions. So, we’d often conclude such conversations by committing ourselves to the cause that seemed to have materialized in front of us, and aspects of that which we could control. Work on saving others in the future through the mission of Love Your Buns. Whether it is family, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, community members, or strangers – learning from Sara’s experience, and those we’d connect to LYB, could help prevent others from experiencing the same challenges that Sara had to face. It could save lives.
If bad things that happen were fully God’s will, how can we possibly explain things like childhood cancers?
If your actions save lives, was it fate?
During her last days, we talked with each other about the impact that she and Love Your Buns has had to the world. She and her efforts had most certainly saved lives. Lives who would have undoubtedly been impacted by colorectal cancer – in some cases likely advanced disease - had they not seeked early screening after learning from Sara’s experience and LYB’s resources. In her direct and extended family alone this impact was significant.
It was also amazing to witness over the last weeks before she went into hospice, just how many nurses, doctors, and patients talked to us about Love Your Buns - a significant amount more than would normally. Either with high interest in the mission, or in noting to us how impactful programs like our CADD Pump Bags had already been to patients going through colorectal cancer treatment, or simply remarking how cool it was for Sara to focus on this stuff while going through treatment.
These things helped her - and me – to feel a deeper sense of calm that her efforts were not in vain. To understand more deeply, that while many of the actions we had taken since August of 2018 were through free will, the outcomes and the lives saved felt quite a lot like destiny and were meant to be. LYB was at least a part of her purpose and legacy in this world.
Does fate downplay sacrifice?
But does thinking about her actions during this time as her destiny or her purpose downplay the sacrifices she’d made to save others? That she was simply executing the plan that had been laid before her? By all means, she did not have to create Love Your Buns. She could have focused solely on fighting her disease and other plenty worthy activities.
I know for me, her decision to create something like Love Your Buns, and working to save others while she faced this – was a great source of strength. It was also very wearing - but it helped me to feel like there was at least some level of positive coming out of this terrible reality that we were facing.
We knew the moment she was found to have a liver metastasis that her odds of a cure being achieved had been reduced to pretty dismal levels. But she didn’t run from it. She faced it head on and told the world about it - so that we could all learn from her.
OK taking a step back again. This was all God’s will? Why? Couldn’t she have continued to save lives, more lives in fact, if she stayed living? All the years she could lead Love Your Buns to be even bigger and better. How can it be that her life had to be cut short to achieve this?
Thy Will Be Done
Many of you are likely familiar with her singing, and maybe you are familiar with her performance of the song Thy Will. It was actually played at her funeral as the entrance music and holds great importance to me and many of her loved ones.
Thy Will
I’m so confused - I know I heard You loud and clear - So, I followed through - Somehow I ended up here - I don’t wanna think - I may never understand - That my broken heart is a part of Your plan - When I try to pray - All I’ve got is hurt and these four words
Thy will be done - Thy will be done - Thy will be done
I know You’re good - But this don’t feel good right now - And I know You think - Of things I could never think about - It’s hard to count it all as joy - Distracted by the noise - Just trying to make sense - Of all Your promises - Sometimes I gotta stop - Remember that You’re God - And I am not - So
Thy will be done - Thy will be done - Thy will be done - Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is - Thy will be done - Thy will be done - Thy will
I know You see me - I know You hear me, Lord - Your plans are for me - Goodness You have in store - I know You hear me - I know You see me, Lord - Your plans are for me - Goodness You have in store - So
Thy will be done - Thy will be done - Thy will be done - Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is - Thy will be done - Thy will be done - Thy will be done - I know You see me - I know You hear me, Lord
The song so perfectly portrays Sara’s situation, her struggles, and also her perspective of devout faithfulness throughout all of this. Seriously, it’s a near perfect match.
We couldn’t and can’t make sense of how this reality is God’s will. We can’t make sense of God’s plan, where God has specific plans for us, or where God gives us free will to determine our own fates. Without an understanding of those things, how can we possibly attempt to challenge this?
Onwards into futility
In the end, the conclusion here is like so many of my conversations with Sara. It’s going to be really hard to get answers to questions that humans just can’t really comprehend. That won’t stop us all from trying to answer them. That won’t stop me from being profoundly crushed every few hours. Or to achingly wish that these outcomes could be changed.
But I do know, it’s a futile thing to get too caught up in why this all would have been God’s plan for Sara. And yet, I am sure I’ll ask God why every so often for the rest of my life. Onwards into this futile life, here I come.