Hello all, I thought I would join the Love Your Buns blog to provide another perspective on the grief of a loved one due to cancer.

I am sitting in my fifth floor apartment, a pink-orange sunrise shining through my blinds, with a mug of hot cocoa. Sounds delightful, but the aesthetic of this may be more due to the fact that I can’t sleep through the night since Sara’s passing. I have always had trouble with sleeping, but more so now as I feel like I can’t miss out on anything important.

The night Sara passed was actually very miraculous to me. I had been at my apartment across town from home, tossing and turning trying to shake the feeling that something was seriously wrong. I texted my mom at 2:26am asking if I could come to sleepover for the night, she replied with an obvious yes. When I got there, my mom and Jarod were awake and told me they had called the hospice nurse as Sara’s breathing was not normal. I sat on the couch with an uneasy feeling hoping everything would be okay. When the nurse had arrived, my mom called my dad and I up to Sara’s room in which we all held her while she passed. This all happened within maybe a half hour, fast and almost ‘planned out’. I think in one of Jarod’s older posts, he said Sara was determined to wait until the nurse had gotten there… and I thought to myself, maybe me too?

As weeks have gone by, I have been able to observe different types of grief within myself and my family. It is truly interesting to see how all of us have been dealing with the hurt that we feel either outwards or deep within ourselves.

I wanted to write this post as a reminder that everyone grieves in different ways, no matter how close you were to your loved one. Sara was one of the souls on this earth that I really looked up to. In a little sister’s eyes, there was nothing she could do wrong; everything she did inspired me to be a better me. She had the biggest heart, and never boasted about it; was the hardest-worker, and never showed defeat; had the most compassion, and never expected anything in return. I think these are things I have always worked for subconsciously and I can see her in myself because of it.

Lately, I have been feeling sort of guilty on whether I should be locked in my room feeling every ping of pain to truly grieve my sister, or find ‘distractions’ to keep living my life; maybe even more so than before? I am trying to be as honest as I can in hopes this could help someone who feels similar. I have been going out with friends, celebrating birthdays, having movie nights with groups of people, feeling sort of emotionless - is this okay?

I have distanced myself from deeper conversations about Sara, without trying, as it maybe hurts a little less to think about. I can’t get myself to look through photos, old birthday cards, or sometimes even see my family as much as I used to. To be honest, it doesn’t feel so great to admit, but that’s the thing about grief - it never feels good or great or okay at all. I guess an excuse I have selfishly been telling myself is the rest of my family members have their own families and I am only 21. I know the things I feel are not the same as my mother or father, my brother in law, my other siblings, or my nieces and nephews, etc., as we each go about our sadness differently.

In one of our last conversations, Sara asked me to promise her three things, one being to keep living my life and working towards my dream. We cried together and I asked her how I would get through something like this. She reminded me of how far I’ve come and how she has always been proud of me - which emphasizes her character, comforting me when she needed it more, what a big sister move. So, when I am feeling guilty about living to the fullest, I am reminded that hopefully Sara knows I never break promises :) .

So now what? Although I have been having happy days, doesn't mean I don’t have horrible days stuck in bed. Almost as if all of the emotions I have bottled for a week come out in one day. Does this work for me? The short answer is no, but the real answer is that there is no answer if it works or not. Grief doesn’t “work” for anyone, it's not a planned out schedule or a one-fits-all kind of thing. I see it as a blessing to have different emotions than someone else, as it depicts all the different love Sara was given and that’s something to celebrate each and every day.

So I’m going to keep my promise to my big sister. I will try to find the positives in every situation, no matter how hard, because I know she’d always keep her word to me.

I love you Sar.
Best, Lor

My Grief Observed 4: A Sister's Perspective