A Survivor’s Reflections

I am a six-year cancer survivor.  January 22 is my New Year’s Day. My life has changed in ways I could never have predicted. From day one, I knew I had two choices.  I could go down one path that focused on losses and pain or chose to have God as my partner and grow in faith.

 I lived through a life or death experience. I have since seen a school graduation for one niece, and another become a deputy sheriff. I’ve climbed mountains and white water rafted at level 4, watched Love Your Buns become a thriving non-profit, used my teacher skills helping others with chronic disease and chronic pain, and so much more.  I am blessed and thankful that God has taught me JOY and that His plans for me are indeed better than anything I could have thought possible.

Life as a survivor is not easy.  We realize that because of the cancer and the “cure” our bodies will never be what they were before the cancer.  Surgery takes parts of our bodies.  Chemo is poison that moves through us, destroying the cancer and healthy tissues.    

Cancer is so much more than loosing the hair on our heads and throwing up. Loosing hair means everywhere: in your nose, ears, eyebrows and lashes. My once strong singing voice became weak and unpredictable.  I remember the day several years later when someone commented on my singing.  I cried because my singing voice was back. 

Imagine hurting in your bones. Deep down hurting.  Curling in the fetal position as tears rolled down cheeks. I would pray that it would pass soon.  My neuropathy moved from my toes to up to my knees. The thing is, each round of chemo would hurt more and would mean a longer time to bounce back and not as well.

I didn’t know the difference between nausea and throwing up.  I sure know now. Nausea can last for days and come and go from smells that become more acute. Throwing up might come as a relief to the nausea.

The senses of smell and taste change.  I couldn’t stand the smell or taste of anything tomato. Yeast in bread would sometimes make me sick and other times I would crave it. Greasy donut balls at Roger Maris were so awful.   Some lose weight, some gain weight. The chemicals put into us cause surprising changes.                   

The most difficult changes for me were not just the physical but the emotional as well.  Having Anne and Paulette and Sarah with me from the start and at the hospital was so important.  I didn’t realize until much later how much Anne did for me.  She had to call Paulette to let her know what was happening.  I stayed with Anne and Rick when we came home from Sioux Falls.  I remember I couldn’t face anyone and didn’t want company.  I had to have time to accept what was happening.  It did come, but the safety of their house was so comforting. 

Paulette and her daughter came from Chicago to be there during surgery. Now, as I look back, I realize how hard it was for those around me. All of us became good at masking how we really felt.

Survivors of cancer become members of a unique club.  Each of us live the rest of our lives knowing we can fight hard.  But the concern for what comes next has made us pay attention to the world in a different way. 

"Wouldn't it suck if we fight the cancer battle for 4 years and then get the virus?" Words spoken by a survivor. The coronavirus is a really tough thing.   Our bodies, even when we are careful, just don't have the ability to fight. The chemo and radiation and surgeries change us. Isolation for many is inconvenient and boring.  For survivors of cancer it can become overwhelming. Bottom line stay home for the safety of others and yourself.